Realization

Sometimes in the quest to achieve something, it's really easy to lose track of what you already have. I realized this today just by reading a letter one of my best friends had written for me when I left India. It made me laugh, it made me reminisce and it sure made me appreciate my life more - the fact that I had such good friends was proof of that for me. It's something as simple as that that makes you appreciate your life more. And boy, what a difference that makes!

The past few weeks has been a little crazy for me...I've been trying to juggle multiple things at the same time..and I haven't been doing very well at that. 24 hours in a day just doesn't seem enough for me to complete everything that I need to. To add to that, I feel like I have to consantly prove myself/my capabilities to the people around me. Even though I did well last year, I feel like I'm starting from scratch again and honestly, that has been draining. Am I too hard on myself...I think I am because the fact is that I have a tendency to get complacent very easily. However, at the same time I find that because I am constantly stressing myself out about things, I hardly end up doing anything because I'm too busy worrying (or daydreaming, as has been the case lately) to actually do anything. This has an adverse impact on everything from my class participation to managing my time effectively and it is something that I really need to get sorted out. I am not even getting that much sleep because, in my opinion, that will cut down on the time I have to get everything done and because of that I end up sleeping everyday in class, thus leaving my professors with a bad impression of myself. I always have this tendency to make life harder for myself than it really is!!

Today, I set the alarm but never ended up getting up because I was just too exhausted..when I did I started working on my action plan for my leadership class. That got me thinking about my 'personal brand' and everything that I needed to do this year to achieve my goals. Believe me, there is a lot that I need to do and I expect it to be overwhelming! The good part of this exercise though, was the fact that it made me introspect. It gave me some 'me' time, some time when I could just take a breather! This is something that I have been sorely lacking the past few weeks. Then I read the letter..all this while I've been so worried about establishing my personal brand and adhering to people's expectations from me i forgot that I already have my brand in place. And, it is one that is credible, that is appreciated and that has gotten results in the past. I also realized that I have people around me who know and appreciate me for who I am (something that is easy to forget when you're constantly trying to meet other people and fit into their expectations)and who genuinely care about me. These are the people who matter the most.

I started of the day worrying about how many items I was going to cross off from my endless to-do list (especially since I had woken up late). Now, I have a greater appreciation for everything I have already achieved (something that is real easy to forget) and I know that if I have done it once, I can do it again. How important this is to me is shown by the fact that I had to immediately put my thoughts down by blogging about it....despite the fact that I have to be in college in one hour and havn't done anything! I guess it's finally time to go now...I can see the sun shining outside my window and I know that this is going to be a good day!

Who am I?

Who am I? What drives my beliefs? What makes me make the decisions that I do? Am I a leader or a follower? Why don’t I speak up? If people don’t know me it’s because I don’t give them the chance to…by keeping silent, I am shutting out people from ever finding out what I think, what I feel, how I react to things. Even if there is a conversation and I clearly disagree with the person, I keep quiet. Why do I shy away from defending what I believe in? Is it because I think they are so fickle that I am not capable of doing so? Who am I? What makes me me? Why do I think the way I do? Why can’t I speak up? Why do I have so many hang-ups? Is it my faith or my family that drives my beliefs? My own experiences or what I’ve heard from others? I feel strongly about certain things but why don’t I ever take action about it? Do I always need someone else to help me make my decisions? Why can’t I do it myself? I need answers and I’m not sure I know how to go about finding them.

Focus!!

Why is it that just when I have something important to do I let my mind wander into the most inane things?? This always, ALWAYS happens and then I crib and get hyper-stressed out about there being not enough time to complete my deliverables.

Like today, I know that I have loads of work to complete for tomorrow but yet my mind persists in thinking about life as a mother instead of focusing on the marketing case that I am struggling to read! How did I develop motherly sentiments suddenly? I don't know, maybe it was due to the fact that I spent a lot of time with kids during the Thanksgiving break. However, it wasn't a pleasant experience for me, not because the kids were monsters or anything but because I found it very difficult to interact with them. Granted, they were much much younger than me but I always thought of myself as someone who could get along well with children and so this came as bit of a shock to me. They were shy of me, which is understandable, but I was even more awkward. I didn't know how to make conversation with them or put them at ease...what was the impression I had on them I wonder? Was I scary, intimidating, not fun enough or just plain boring? I don't know...I probably never will.

It's not a big deal really but yet it bothers me...should it?

Giving Thanks

After a long hiatus I'm back to blogging...why now? Because I need to. Because there is only a certain extent to which you can keep things to yourself. Everyone needs an outlet sometimes and my time has come...

The Thanksgiving weekend is just about over...it was just another holiday for me till I realized all I needed to be thankful for! The fact that I have good health, I've made new friends but at the same time maintained my relationships with old friends (something I never thought I would be able to do!), the fact that I have the luxury to 'choose' where I would want to spend Thanksgiving, the fact that I'm surviving here, so far.

Turns out my first experience of Thanksgiving was not just a holiday after all, but a revelation of sorts....

Football Frenzy

The world cup has finally started and the whole world has come to a standstill. Thank goodness it is happening at this time of the year because had it been held in March I know for sure that I would be sitting for my univs again this year....I am actually quite surprised at my sudden interest in football. Anyone who knows me well will know that a good game of cricket is what really gets me on the edge of my seat. I could live on watching one- dayers i.e ONLY if India is winning..... football, however is an entirely different ball game altogether. Not only does it take much much less time than a game of cricket but it is definitely more physical and much more brutal. Football may be considered the world's most 'beautiful game' but it is by far nowhere close to being the 'gentleman's game' that cricket is.
During the last cup, I remember watching only a few important matches and I thought it was going to be the same this year. But I must say, the media's influence on the public has definitely increased lately. People have been talking about this phenomenon for a while now but frankly,
this is the first time I've understood what its all about, being as I am a victim of the media hype myself. For the past three months the first thing that caught my eye when I opened the sports page of the Times of India was the countdown to June 9th. 9u0 days to go...45....20...2...IT'S FINALLY HERE!!! No longer are journalists concerned with Saurav Ganguly's exclusion from the cricket team, Kolkatans are instead busy conducting pujas for their favourites, Brazil and Argentina. The debate over Wayne Rooney's fitness has found regular place in the sports pages and I'm sure that even people who've never heard of him before now know who the Manchester United star is.
I think another reason people are so mesmerised by an event like this is because the carnivalesque feel attached to it. All the fans are at their energetic and creative best- the flags( and other things) painted on their faces, the colourful hats and of course, the women in their skimpy bikinis, the beer guzzling, the rowdiness...they are all reminiscent of the carnivals in Rio de Janeiro. Pubs with giant screens become the hippest hangout joints, native flags are waving from cars and windows alike, jerseys, mini footballs, t-shirts...the list is endless. Since we were in Germany and England just before the cup we managed to see first- hand the kind of hold football has on people.
I have one favourite in this world cup and that is England. After watching their second match against a low ranked team like Trinidad & Tobago though, I am not so sure David Beckham and his team are going to be able to win the coveted cup. They may have won but they have no chance against teams like Germany (Brazil has really not impressed me so far). Watching yesterday's match between Germany and Poland you could literally feel the excitement in the air. Every German player was pumped up and doing their best to earn glory for their country...they may have scored only in the 91st minute but they gave it their all.
Now, England on the other hand.....most of the time I felt like I was watching a game in a park. There was absolutely no fire in anything they did, whether it was passing, defending or most importantly, scoring.....Come On!!! they must have had at least 10 chances to score and all of them were botched up. It is excruciating to see your favourite team miss out on shots that in 95% of the cases should have struck the net. Everyone was listless and they seemed to spend more time on passing than attacking. All the big names- Gerrard, Beckham, Lampard, Ferdinand & Rooney- these are the ones I'm most familiar with and they did not live up to the tag of being potential world cup heroes for England. Beckham has been good, but what is the use of passing the ball if the strikers can't get it into the goal?? Unless they up their overall game in the next match or so, they can kiss their dreams of becoming world champs goodbye.
July 9th it all ends. Whether England wins or not I know I'm going to be hooked to the television. After that, it's back to my 'normal', boring life. I'm hardly going to keep track of what happens on the football field after this tournament is over and I know I'll have to wait four more years for the next football onslaught and, frankly speaking, I can't wait for it to come (and this, when the present cup isn't even over!!)

Life's like this

Its that time of the year again- Examtime!!! I've just finished submitting two assignments and already we have two more to hand over in the next week or so, exams are starting in a month and I still haven't started studying...man! am I in a fix. To top it all for some reason I happen to be in a very sentimental mood and keep thinking of love and when its going to happen to me and stuff. Ok enough already!!! I hate this. Why can't I just stop thinking about all this?
Anyway all that apart, another rape has occurred in delhi. I just saw the news where a woman was raped inside the Delhi Secretariat. I don't know all the details but the scary part about the whole thing is that all this doesn't shock anyone anymore. Rapes have become a part of the life here. Who knows if they will even manage to catch the culprit because in most (in fact, almost all) cases the culprits are still at large. What is the use of having police patrolling the roads if they don't do anything? Half the police vans are parked near little dhabas with the policemen nicely sipping tea inside. I think the traffic cops are the only ones who work overtime trying to book people for rash driving- even when they are diligently following traffic rules.
Its not just the traffic, the corruption in the justice system is so widespread that even if you shoot a person in front of 200 odd people you are still acquited. I mean how warped is this system?? I just goes to show that if you have political clout you can get away with anything. Not only that, with the bad record the police have of capturing rapists, future offenders are definitely going to have their work cut out for them.

An Unexpected Lesson

Quite a bit has happened on the Maya front. The class wrote a letter condemning the actions of our dear 'president' and lending full support to Nair. I'm really glad we were able to stand up to her. We wanted to make it public but on the advice of the teachers we decided to refrain from doing so in order to maintain our dignity and not resort to the same tactics as she does. I didn't go to college today but I hear she's come up with a rejoinder to our letter. Doesn't she have anything better to do? She is seriously jobless. We don't plan to respond though. Everytime she comes up with a new pamphlet she only reaffirms how foolish she is. Anyway, to move on to a much more pleasant topic, I saw Pride & Prejudice with Ashmi and Isa. All of us absolutely LOVED it. I never thought there could be a more dreamy Mr. Darcy than Colin Firth in the BBC version but I guess I was wrong. Matthew Macfayden is absolutely fantastic as Darcy. I was dreaming about him the whole night. The chemistry between him and Keira Knightley is really amazing. She is brilliant as Elizabeth Bennet and the liveliness with which she essays her role is very different from the earlier interpretations. The proposal scenes were some of the most romantic I have ever seen and I still haven't stopped going over them in my head. The movie is a must for all Austen and Darcy fans...it doesn't hurt if your just a hopeless romantic either.
The next day we went to American Diner for an 'All you can eat' breakfast and believe me when I say we STUFFED ourselves. I couldn't eat anything else for the whole day and of course, there was a cricket match which we won. The way the Indian team played was fantastic. They really gave the Pakistanis a drubbing!! When I was coming back home after the breakfast, the auto driver suddenly started talking to me about the importance of time and how every second counts( All this was in hindi). It kind of took me by surprise...I don't know why but maybe one doesn't expect an auto driver to tell you that kind of stuff- maybe your parents, yes. It's not that I think they are dumb or anything, not at all. It's just that when you get into an auto the driver is just someonewho drives you to your destination. You don't really think about the kind of life they lead, the opinions they have or any such thing. It made me realise that they are no different from any of us. He went on to speak about the importance of education. He has three sons, all who got above 90% in their boards and are now trying to get into IIT. All three managed to get scholarships at different levels of their studies- one in B.sc, the other in M.sc and so on. Their father had their whole life planned out for them- the kind of jobs they would get, the money they would earn, everything. Nothing less than engineering was good for his sons. One could see the pride in his eyes when he talked about them because like he said, a parent can dream about what they want for their children but ultimately its upto the kids. He was fortunate to have children who had fulfilled all the dreams he ever had for them and who would probably go on to do much more.
The conversation made me feel quite small because I felt that my parents had given me all the advantages one can ever give a child and I had done nothing to repay them. It made me look at my own attitude towards life. I want all the good things in life but when it comes to working for it, thats where I have a problem- I'm not willing to. There is no compensation for hard work, even I know that but one does tend to get laidback at times. Studies take a backstage, and everything else comes first. It takes a wake up call for you to realise that just having fun is not going to take you anywhere in life. I don't want to spend my whole life struggling and depending on my parents. I hear about young people making it big very early in life and I want to be like them but its not going to be easy. In order to that I have to work hard at whatever I set out to do. Sure, everyone needs some relaxation but for me at least, the time to work is now. Do well in studies, get into good colleges, get a great job, make your parents proud and finally make yourself happy. There will always be time later on to enjoy all the fruits of one's labour. I can still enjoy myself but I have to make sure I don't lose sight of my priorities.